It’s been weeks since Kate and I recorded our Little Fires Everywhere episode, and it’s one I can’t stop turning over in my mind. Actually, “turning over” is the wrong phrase to describe it. Thoughts of that episode pierce my thoughts, swirl around my mind like a hurricane, cloud my brain like steam from a laundromat vent.
Specifically, these disruptive thoughts revolve around our conversation about the Little Fires Love Triangle of Pearl, Moody and Trip.
Kate wondered if Pearl and Trip were keeping the intimate relationship a secret because Trip was ashamed of having sex with Pearl. Kate seemed to suggest that Pearl would have no reason to want to keep it a secret. Or she might even want people to know, because Trip is a catch. But she was mainly focused on the hardest gray area — that because the result of them wanting to keep the relationship a secret, that the lying that came from it was unequivocally wrong no matter the reasons behind it.
In our debate, Kate was firmly #teamMoody (over #teamTrip) but I saw it differently. I was all in for #teamPearl. I saw her agency and I understood the unstated rationale behind her actions. I vehemently defended Pearl’s right to keep the secret with Trip, even if it meant lying to Moody.
But my defense didn’t sit well with me, like a raspberry seed in between two molars. So I spent time unpacking why we — or really, I — had relationships or encounters that I wanted kept secret. Well, there’s probably too many reasons to mention, but the ones I want to explore deeply come around what it means to be a high school girl.
Is there anything wrong with a young girl (Pearl is 15, a sophomore in high school) wanting intimate experience? Kate and I would agree that there isn’t, but in reality society is uncomfortable with a young girl exploring her growing sexuality. And that begins at puberty, an age which terrifies people.
Is there anything wrong with a young girl wanting intimate experience without telling everyone?
Of course I would say no, right? That’s what I said about Pearl in our Little Fires episode. And I said that because I have kept secrets without there being any internal shame. I wasn’t embarrassed about what I was doing, and neither was my partner.
A girl with instincts, openness and interest in intimacy, should be allowed to safely and wisely explore those feelings. But doing it in the open? That’s so much more complicated. I don’t think I realized how much shame was coming from the outside — that I’d learned that it was easier, and had better results, if I kept it a secret. That’s how to avoid what I called high school, but is now referred to as “slut shaming.”
Here was a high school scenario for me: I hook up with a guy — at a party, after school, in private. It is assumed we have sex, because why else would you be discreet about it? What other reason do you go “find a room”? If you lock yourself in the bathroom, it’s because you’re having sex. If you meet up with no one around and don’t tell anyone, it’s because you’re having sex.
It seems a high school girl can’t do anything besides make-out in front of a crowd and have sex.
That’s because there’s very little articulated in between. Not in movies, TV shows, even on social media where there are tons of overt and cliched “sexy” pictures with no reference to what one might do with that sexiness, or how it might feel. No mention of touching breasts, of finding erogenous zones around ears or behind knees, of skin to skin, of writhing around with your clothes on (the health class 101 “dry humping” thanks for the reminder, Lady Bird). These were all such normal parts of my high school experiences, but they are rarely portrayed or discussed. I wonder if it’s because adults lose sight of these “in between” phases or whether it’s because in high school not everyone feels free to explore them. I understand why.
I did explore these feelings and as a result was on more than one occasion excluded from parties, the focus of some nasty gossip, the target of hurled insults. One night, our school did a charity “fashion show” and I wore the borrowed dress of an upperclassman. First of all, I had been specifically forbidden to wear anything she donated for the show because she thought I was a slut. I did it anyway, and she confronted me, made a huge scene about it. Apparently, now the dress was ruined because it had touched my disgusting used body. I was a fifteen year old virgin.
Thankfully, this is where I really developed my “give zero f*cks” muscle. I had no choice but to learn how to move forward with labels like slut and tease (yes, both). Part of the lesson I learned was not caring about what other people said about me. But also, part of the lesson was learning to keep things a secret. All secrets require lying.
I suppose there will still be people who say instead of lying I should have changed my behavior. What I wished I could have changed was other people’s interest in the things I did in private. But I couldn’t. And not exploring physical intimacy felt more wrong than lying to protect myself.
It was in those encounters that I learned what felt good to me and what didn’t feel good. In fact, I learned how to FEEL good, and I learned it in a way that didn’t come from how I looked or how I acted. In intimate acts I was trying to please no one but myself. I learned to direct my partners. I learned to be fully in my body. I learned to let go.
I also learned how to say no. I learned to say stop. To say stop for now, to say stop forever, to say stop for today, even if another day we went farther. To the same extent that I wasn’t trusted and believed outside of intimacy, my partners were the opposite. They respected my word and accepted it. Some people might be able to get all those experiences with one partner. I’m okay if you call me a slow learner. It’s better than the alternatives.
But this WAS about Pearl, Moody and Trip. And I still have questions.
How much do you think Pearl was motivated to keep the secret knowing that other girls in school would call her a slut or a gold digger or a social climber?
Does Moody deserve the truth in a way that would force Pearl to tell him about the relationship against her desire? If Pearl felt she could not break the secret of her intimate relationship with Trip, should she have ended her friendship with Moody rather than lie about her whereabouts when she was with Trip? Should she have told and suffered the consequences? What if the consequences were cruel or unfair retaliation?
As the premiere of the TV adaptation of Little Fires Everywhere approaches, I am nervous about how this love triangle will be portrayed. I desperately hope they will give Pearl even more agency and empowerment rather than stepping into cliches and out-dated tropes.